You Don't Belong Here

"If you don't agree with it, change the conversation."

Short story - this happened years ago. We were debriefing after a meeting with our clients. I was talking with Mitch, my friend and mentor, about how frustrated I was with the discussion we had, how our clients were unrealistic about their demands and how fast we should fix the issues. And I remember him smiling while I just vented for 10 mins. He let me slow down, catch my breath, and then he said, simply "If you don't agree with it, change the conversation. You're allowed to do that."

At the time, I blinked and shook my head in a manner that communicated the equivalent of "...ummm, what?" But after talking it through, I understood that the conversation that we were in was built on a framework, on a set or premises and expectations, that probably evolved from the first words spoken in the meeting, about the fiery complaint from a client, within a typical client-consultant power dynamic, all of which put us on the defensive. That conversation we just had was held within that framework. But it didn't have to happen that way because sometimes the premises are incorrect. Or the framework is flawed. So you can adjust it. You can reset the conversation, and change it to be in line with your viewpoint, your objectives, aligned to a more correct set of premises. It was not our systems that were at fault, but late or non-existent definitions of business processes. As consultants, that was not on us - that was on them. We will help you, but we're good where we are. Let us know if you need anything.

You can change the conversation. You're allowed.

This was a surprise to me at the time, because prior to that, my focus was to participate and make my best case in the conversation at hand, within the rules of engagement that were already pre-defined as I entered it. This notion that I could challenge the framework of the conversation itself, it stuck with me - because before I could challenge the conversation, I had to rise above and and see it, understand it, and potentially question the premises on which the conversation was built.

"Go back to where you came from"

I think of this now because of the recent growth in anti-asian incidents of violence or discrimination, grown by rhetoric over the past year of misguided asian blame for the pandemic, combined with nativist rhetoric for the past 4 years, and probably a infinitely longer history and tendency for people to look for someone else to blame for their lot in life.

The incidents are documented, available with visual proof online. From intolerable acts of violence, to simple, smug, derogatory variations of 'go back to where you came from', all of which boils down to the same message: "This is my country. You don't belong here."

The common responses to this are familiar:

"Are you Native American? Then you go back to where you came from."

"Go back to where I came from? Where - Elizabeth, NJ?"

"I do belong here. I was born here."

It is an ugly, un-winnable conversation; as logical as the retorts are, they do not resolve the attacks. There is no response of "oh, you were born here? My bad - I didn't know", or "oh, you're right, my Anglo-American heritage is also traced back to immigrant ancestors, many of whom faced the same immigrant backlash I'm doling out right now." The logic does not win, because 'go back to where you came from' is not really a message about immigration or pilgrimage. At its roots, the message says 'I identify everyone (you and myself) by race. Yours is not mine, and I don't like it."

And I think we all know that. So I propose we don't let such people frame the conversation, and our response, to be about immigration, about belonging. It is, and only is, about judging people by the color of their skin and not by their personal values. It is, and only is, about racial differentiation.

The Model Minority

Even further, I've recently read articles about the dilemmas of the 'model minority' stereotype. There are many discussions about what stigmas we, as Asian-Americans or Pacific Islanders, expect of ourselves or of our cultural sub-segments. How we're supposed to be good at math and not so good at sports. How the economically driven values and quiet demeanors of our minority racial roots integrate more easily and are more appealing to the majority state. More recently, with the political movements of BLM and the right-alt responses of ALM, there have been suggestions that Asian Americans need a stronger group identity, to consolidate the voices of our minority race and participate more effectively in the political discourse.

And here's where I start to feel uneasy.

Because I look at my brown skin, dark hair, somewhat asian features, and I don't believe myself to be a minority.

Who am I?

If asked 'off-the-cuff' to describe who I am or want to be, in the priority of what is important to me, in the order of how I want to see myself to describe my own values, I think of many words: father, husband, son and brother, musician, thinker, friend, gentleman, compassionate, determined, hard-working.

I notice that Asian, or Filipino, is not at the top of that list.

Don't get me wrong - I come from a Filipino heritage and culture, that has come with it's own package of values, all for which I am grateful: respect for elders, hospitality, music, etc. And I have zero shame in any of it - I wear it proudly in the way we welcome guests into our home, or the respect I organically bear for my elder family members and neighbors.

But I'm also bred in Jersey, with an east-coast drive and a bias for local bagels and pizza. I greet my global coworkers in my zoom meetings with a Jersey-dialect-laden 'how you doin'.

I grew up in central Jersey, but now live slightly closer to Philadelphia than New York. But I still proudly wear by NY Yankees cap in bars that are more predominantly decorated by Phillies and Eagles paraphernalia.

My point is - there are many cultural and geographic contributors to who we are, and how we live. And the Filipino heritage in which I was raised is a large contributor to that, as anyone's childhood culture should be.

But ultimately, the defining factors of who I am have nothing to do with the color of my skin. The values that I strive to measure myself by have nothing to do with the Filipino features of my face. Being a good father and husband has nothing to do with being AAPI. Being a good friend and son has nothing to do with the racial category of being Asian-American.

Being who I am - trying to be a good person - has zero to do with the racial checkbox I mark off at the DMV, and everything to do with my morality, my values, and the actions that are born of those values. And I hope to judge others the same way.

The Moral Majority

So if I have enough conviction in these beliefs, to see people not by their racial and cultural ethnicities, but firstly by the contents of their character, then I need to reframe this minority ‘go back where you came from’ conversation that was presented to me.

The conversation was started by people who clearly differentiated others by race, arguing that other races did not belong here. And it birthed responses arguing that other races belonged here as much as the others. And sadly, it had to be argued that violence against those racial differentiations needed to stop.

This conversation is based on the the underlying premise that people should first be identified by their race. By my convictions, this premise is wrong, and it framed a flawed conversation. The defense of my Asian minority background, while morally justified, is not relevant. Because I am not a minority.

By my convictions, people are identified by their values far more than their race. I see our divisions not by the slant of our eyes or how quickly we sunburn. I see our commonalities and our differences in our our morality. And in that - in what is real and important, I am in the majority.

I, with my brothers and sisters of human citizenry, know that violence against our elders due to one's limitation to see beyond race is morally reprehensible. We see violence against our brethren due to closed-heartedness and racially-driven blindness, and we know it is wrong.

To those who perpetuate that violence or hatred, who only see people by their race (no matter what race you are), you are the minority. And if you choose to continue with that blindness no matter how many opportunities you have to right your deficiency, well - I ask you to take a good look around. This is a globalized world - we have been for a while, and we're better for it. Our available cuisines are spiced with the flavors of multiple heritages. We browse through TV shows on Netflix that are enjoyed through captions. Our musical catalogue is vast and increasingly composed of shared cultural influences. Last month we all celebrated Irish heritage, as if we all came from it. Next month, we will do the same celebrating those south of the border. The eyes and smiles of our fellow citizens shine bright regardless of their colors or cultural slants. And most importantly, the hearts of these people, our majority, are good and welcoming. And if you don't want to see that, then truly - I'm sorry for you. Maybe you don't belong here.